


that's cruel, tim

by Nanimok



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash, for the jaytim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 10:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17424101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nanimok/pseuds/Nanimok
Summary: Tim gives Damian 'The Talk.' Unfortunately.





	that's cruel, tim

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chibi_nightowl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibi_nightowl/gifts).



> Birthday present for [chibinightowl](http://chibinightowl.tumblr.com) that was started in Oct and finished...now...lol.

Whenever Bruce’s kids needs a sacrificial lamb for a conundrum that’s assuredly traumatising—because it usually involves emotional vulnerability and surely, who’d want  _ that— _ they’d call a family meeting and draw straws.

By drawing straws, Tim means literally drawing straws. It’s accepted that everyone cheats during the draw, as well. But since everyone cheats, then does anyone truly cheat?

Tim blinks. He looks at the short piece of plastic in his hands, before noticing that he’s only steps away from the window to freedom, and no one is in the way to stop him.

Dick steps in his line of sight, folding his arms and blocking Tim’s only chance at happiness. He undoes the tight fist Tim has wrapped around the straw and hands him a book with big, yellow words bolded on the cover.

_ Your Body and You: A Kid’s Guide to Growing Up. _

Tim almost falls to his knees. “C’mon, Dick,” he begs. “Why do I have to give him ‘The Talk’? Damian probably knows more than most people his age anyway! There has to be some line in the constitution that forbids such a cruel and unusual punishment.”

“Sorry, Timbo,” Dick says. “You know the rules. You drew the short straw, and now your fate is sealed.”

Actually, he’s pretty sure that Cass drew the short straw, but since Cass is Cass, and Tim’s generally a bit slow after being awake for a reasonable amount of twenty hours, the straw magically ended up in his hand.

Betrayal always comes when you least expect it.

Dick clasps his shoulders, a grim expression on his face. “Remember, Tim. You can do this as quickly and painlessly as possible. Just go in and out—”

Jason snickers in the background. They both ignore him.

“—rip the bandage off,” Dick continues, “avoid each other for a couple of months, then pretend it never happened in the first place! Easy Peasy—it’s basically what everyone does normally, so you have nothing to worry about!”

“Hey now,” Tim says. “I didn’t come here to get attacked.”

“You came here to give Damian the sex talk.” Dick nudges him towards the door. “Now, hop on to it.”

Groaning as loud as he can, Tim drags his feet. “What do I even say?” Tim asks, buying time. “How do I even start? I’m not even sure  _ I  _ know what I’m doing, sometimes. I’ve only ever done it once!”

Dick shrugs. “I don’t know. Google?”

“If it helps; it’s the effort that counts,” Steph says in consolation. “I found your puppy-like enthusiasm quite endearing. By the way, Cass and I are going to start the movies without you. Good luck. Don’t die. See you there!”

Steph grabs Cass and flies out the door. Cass, that traitor, waves Tim goodbye with a cheery smile before she disappears from his view.

Tim narrows his eyes. She better watch where she sleeps.

An arm appears on his shoulder, and Tim’s is pulled flush against Jason’s side. He grins, and Tim swallows when alarm and… something else he doesn’t want to think about right now starts curling low in his belly.

“So you’ve done it once, but that’s not enough,” Jason says. “I know you like being thorough on your research. You’ll probably need more hands-on experience for a proper understanding of the subject.” His grin sharpens. “I can help with that.”

One second Dick is in front of him, and the next second Jason is ripped from his side. “Anyway,” Dick says, hand on Jason’s collar. “We’ll be going, now. Good luck. Don’t die! ”

Resolutely, he door closes behind them, and Tim resigns himself to his fate.

 

* * *

The thing is, Damian can be pretty slippery and agile in general, but if he has one fatal flaw, it’s that he can be too trusting. Ironically. A simple, dirty exchange, and Damian’s restrained in a chair, legs kicking and flailing, aiming for Tim’s head.

Good thing for Tim, Damian’s got short legs. Tim’s securely safe where he’s standing.

“Untie me this instance, Drake!” Damian strains against his rope. “How dare you lay your filthy, peasant hands on me—and  _ you!  _ I cannot  _ believe _ I was foolish enough to trust you when you handed me over for a mere box of confectionary!”

Beside Tim, Jon pauses from stuffing his face and wavs. “It’s Alfred’s brownies, though,” he says. “Do you need any more help, Tim?”

“I should be okay. Thanks, Jon.”

“Okay! Thanks for the brownies! Bye Dami! Have fun.”

A second later, he disappears, and Tim pushes the a projector near the whiteboard.

Damian is still glaring at the spot where Jon was. “Insolent traitor.”

“Look,” Tim says. “The sooner we do this, the sooner we can get it over with. Here, I made a power point so we don’t even have to talk to each other.”

Damian’s face is filled with utter disgust, and Tim’s surprised that both he and the whiteboard haven’t spontaneously combusted into flames. “This whole endeavour is pointless,” Damian says. “Just tell Grayson we’ve done it and go. I will even be gracious enough to give you a full week before I seek my vengeance.”

“Nice try, but Dick’s going to want proof,” Tim says. “He’s a sadist like that.”

A growl rumbles out of Damain. “I know that he’s a sadist, but he’s a benevolent sadist,” Damian says. “I fail to see why he’d send me an unqualified teacher whose lacking in the chosen subject.”

Tim almost trip on air, his face going red. “I’m very informed, thank you very much!”

“Your Japanese animations does not count.”

“That’s not the kind of anime I watch and that’s not all puberty is!” Tim turns around and punches the projector lights on. “Now, shut up and pay attention. We’re going to start on hormones and body image, then transition to contraception and pregnancy. Male, female and anywhere in between.”

“Pregnancy?” Damian asks, incredulous.

“It’s good to be informed,” Tim defends, before muttering to himself, “After all, if Bruce had decided on a vasectomy, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.”

Damian doubles over in his chair, as if Tim had punched his sternum. “Why would you even  _ say  _ that?!” He gags. “I never want to think about Father and Mother in that manner. _ ” _

“Oh?” Tim asks, a manic glint appearing in his eyes. “How did you think you came into this world, little baby Dami? Bruce and Talia were almost  _ engaged,  _ Damian.  _ Willingly,  _ too. You know what a pair of fully consenting adults  _ do _ when they’re  _ bored _ ?”

“Stop,” Damian begs. “This is cruel, Drake!”

“And you know what’s worse?” Tim stalks forward, growing more merciless with every step. “Everything that’s going through your head right now—every dirty action, and innuendo, and graphic wet dream you can think of—”

“You are  _ disgusting _ , Drake!  _ Disgusting _ !”

“— _ Jason _ has done them too,” Tim says, hammering the final nail, “and with your  _ mother.” _

The room is filled with Damian’s howl, saturated with rage or agony, and oh, is it  _ glorious. _

Although, he might want to save his breath. Tim’s only getting started.

 

* * *

Later on, while Tim, Steph and Cass are spread out on the couches and popcorn strewn on his floor, Barbara rolls into Tim’s living room.

“Hello,” Barbara announces to room. “Sorry I wasn’t at the family meeting. Oracle stuff came up. Did something happen there which is causing Damian to chase Jason around the city?”

Steph and Cass automatically starts giggling, and Tim tells her about earlier today. Barbara purses her lips, and Tim’s not sure if it’s in disapproval or amusement.

“That’s pretty fucked up,” she says instead.

“Oh, I know,” Tim says. “I’m definitely going to pay for it later. But you can’t deny that it isn’t on-brand for our family though.” He offers a bowl to her. “Popcorn?”

**Author's Note:**

> Family's complicated. 
> 
> tim: im woefully inexperienced at sex :( :( :(  
> jason:  
> jason: i can help with that 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
